THE METAL!

Wassup bitchees!?!?!
Ok, I didn't really mean it :D

Well today's post violates many many many copyright laws and shit, but frankly I don't give a shit. It's really not that bad :D
This little piece of (shit) text is a Tribute to The Metal and the greatest song in the world. If you are smart enough, you see where this is going... so here it is: The Metal!

The Metal

In the ancient time, there was a man who knew the road and the writing was written on a stone. The writing told that there shall be an artist who will lead the way. Actually a band, but I think the words got lost in the translation. In the beginning of the era of the Metal, which dates back to the dark ages where a powerful wizard summoned the strongest demon, the Satan himself, a magical pick was created. The wizard could not control the mighty beast and he was almost destroyed. A blacksmith heard the noise of their battle and saved the wizard by throwing a piece of metal at Satan’s face. Whilst the Satan was confused and hurt, missing a tooth, the wizard put him under a spell: “From once you came, you shall remain, until you are complete again!” And so the Satan was defeated. The wizard thanked the blacksmith by making a magical pick from Satan’s tooth. The person using the pick could play only the best metal melodies and make any woman wanting and moist. Ever since the pick was created it has come to rescue the Metal when it has been in danger. And every time the pick has been used, Satan has come to try and get what was his. This is a story of the band leading the way to the new golden time of the Metal; this is the story of Tenacious D.

Chapter One: Kickapoo

A long ass fucking time ago in a town called Kickapoo, which is a small religious town in Tennessee, there lived a humble family. But there was a black sheep. JB was his name. He refused to step in line and he had a vision of fucking rocking all the time. One day he wrote a jam and that day shall be remembered as the first day of the Metal’s liberation from club music. At the time club music was a big thing and Metal was barely surviving. JB’s jam was recorded on a c-cassette and the lyrics are known to every true rocker: “Oh the dragon’s balls were blazing as I stepped into his cave and I sliced his fucking cockles with a long and shiny blade. Through his eyes you fuck the dragon, fuck-a-lising, fuck-a-loo and if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you too!” the lyrics go on to be unrecognizable mix of JB’s singing and his fathers all caps raging. Our holy book, the book that contains the truth of our governments, the book that is known as the Book of Metal, tells that JB talked to his holiness, Ronnie James Dio at the Night of the Jam and he hath told him to bail his birth town and travel to the city of fallen angels, where the ocean meets the sand. He would form a strong alliance and the world’s most awesome band. And this happened.

Chapter Two: Venice Beach

Years after the magical night in Kickapoo, Jables finally arrived to Los Angeles, the city of fallen angels, after travelling far and wide to find the secrets of his art. After all these years, the pick was calling for his new masters, because it knew they would be ready to raise the Metal back to where it belongs: on top of everything with hot chicks around it ready to blow. The pick lead JB, although he didn’t know it then. Only later he would find out the true powers of the pick.

The pick lead him to the holy ground of Venice Beach, where the pick had also brought the master exploder, the greatest guitar hero of all times, Kyle Gass, also known to our society as KG Solo Man 5000 or just KG. Their eyes met as KG was playing on of his best-known masterpieces: Classico; a song combining the stars of classical music with fucking awesome power chords. Only problem was that it had no lyrics, since KG was not much of a singer. Alone these two artist would never be nothing but fat losers with big dreams of musical career, but as the pick arranged them to be together, they were invincible. At least when the pick’s plan was fulfilled, until then they sucked ass. As KG was playing, JB joined in with his improvised lyrics mocking the crowd that was leaving. This event gave birth to their first disciple: Saint Lee. Lee was a pizza delivery guy and driving instructor. Pretty smart, huh?

As Lee heard the magical notes and powerful lyrics he knew that he had testified the birth of the greatest band ever. And so did JB and KG. KG let JB live with him and as they showered together like real men, they noticed each other’s ass marks. These marks formed the name of the greatest band ever. These marks said “Tenac” and “Anacious D” and as their asses touched together they knew that their band would be called Tenacious D. If you were around the rock and roll history museum at the moment of the impact you could see a green flash in the guitar gods room at the top of the guitar way to heaven. And so the savior of Metal had born.

Chapter Three: The History of the Pick

Before the time of the Pick and the era of the Metal, there was The Man. The Man still exists, but it cannot win the Metal, because Metal will always be too powerful with the assistance of the Pick. The Man ruled everything that was going on in the world. The Man ruined the ozone, the Man killed the Amazon and the Man created bad music. There was a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock and roll, but guess what? The Man ruined it with a little thing called The MTV! Luckily the wizard was sick of the Man’s dictatorship and he summoned the Satan to destroy him, since God was too busy.

Many musical styles have tried to destroy the Metal, but they have all failed. You cannot kill the Metal. The Metal will live on. You can bash it and throw it around at times, you can make it very small, but you will never kill the Metal. New way tried to kill the metal, but they failed as they were stricken down to the ground! They thought they could come with their new ways and different sounds and weird nonsense lyrics and take over the Metal. But no, they failed. Next the Man sent grunge. Grunge tried to kill the Metal, but they failed as they were thrown to the ground. Those ridiculous fools…

Next the Man did a very dirty trick: he sent punk rock on earth and people who weren’t careful enough got confused with it. Punk tried to kill the metal, but they failed as they were smite to the ground.

No one can destroy the Metal, the Metal will strike you down with a vicious blow. We are vanquished foes the metal and we try to win. For why, we do not know.

The Man got desperate and tried one last thing before it went underground for decades. He sent techno. Techno tried to defile the Metal, but the Metal had its way. Metal seemed to be invincible and no one tried to cross it again until the Man got stronger. In his cave, the Man grew stronger and more dangerous than ever. As his first act after he got back on the ground of the earth, he sent pop and club music. These two mass murderers of souls harvested most of earth’s souls, but luckily few stayed strong and resisted the evil power of the Man. They did it because they were true believers and the knew the Pick of Destiny would save them. And so we are at the present time, where JB and KG are getting ready for the greatest battle of music the earth has ever seen.

Chapter Four: The Training

One night, after smoking weed and listening to Black Sabbath, Dio talked to JB and KG again. He told them that the time of the conclusion of their training had come. He told them to learn two things and then they would be ready for the Pick. Their assignment was to learn the power slide and cock pushups.

Their training started the next day, at the crack of noon. After watching Pete Townshend perform the power slide they stared to train it. It looked amazing…. ly bad at first but after several thousands of repeats it looked awesome. Next they started to build up their cocks                      and after seven weeks of training they could each perform seven cock pushups. Now they were ready for the pick.

Chapter Five: The Pick of Destiny

As The D was writing their masterpiece, they came across a freighting monster, an ancient and deadly creature: writer’s block. They seek a way around the monster by trying to get inspired with musical magazines. At this moment the Pick of Destiny decided to appear to them. They noticed that all the great rockers had used exactly the same pick. These rockers were the four saviors of the Metal: Eddy van Halen, Pete Townshend, Jimi Hendrix and the last man who used the POD before Tenacious D received it: Angus Young.

The D ran into the closest instrument shop to look for this pick, but as they were asking about it they met a man who knew all about the Pick of Destiny, Salvatore Papardello. He explained them everything he knew about the Pick. He also told that it now lied in the rock and roll history museum. At the moment he lead the words out of his mouth Jables and Kage knew what to do. They would steal the pick. Before they left, Papardello also explained the present struggle with club music and pop. The D knew they had to hurry in order to save the Metal. And so they did.

Chapter Six: The Journey and the Claim of the Pick

Jabels and Kage started their journey to claim the Pick from rock and roll history museum by taking the car of Lee. After getting the car with lies as the Book of the Metal requires they started to drive to Sacramento. On the way the car broke down and now I am quote the holy diary of JB for you to understand exactly what happened. “Me and my brother Kyle, we were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road and all of a sudden there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road. And he said: ‘Play the best song in the world or I’ll eat your souls’. Well me and Kyle, we looked at each others and we’d said: ‘Ok’. And we played the first thing that came to our heads, just so it happened to be the best song in the world. Needless to say, the beast was stunned. Whip-crack went his whippet tail, and the beast was done. He asked: ‘Be you angels’ and we said: ‘Nay! We are but men! ROCK!’”

And so they defeated the demon from hell and got to the museum. They broke in with a plan they got from an old man who hath broken in before, but lost his leg at the last meters.

After diving into an air vent they dropped to the floor of the museum, but in the wrong room. So they started to move towards the guitar gods. On the way they had to avoid guards and janitors. Finally they got to the end of the Guitar Way to Heaven. As they walked up the stairs they could feel the presence of the POD. Just as they saw it and were ready to run to it Jabels saw the lasers.  He stopped KG and started to dance through the beams. He did well until he got trapped into a corner. In the corner, right in front of his dick, there was a kill switch for the lasers, but he could not reach it. KG came up with the solution and he said: “Cock. Use the cock.” And so JB did. With the power from his training he told his helmet head to get it on and so happened that his dick reached the button and they could get to the Pick.

As they were reaching for the Pick, they pushed over few amps and with the Pick in their hand they ran to the security door that was closing in front of them and away from the guards who were shooting them unprofessionally. Jabels looked at Kage and shouted: “Powerslide!” and so they slid. Under the door they went, just so that the guards were left behind the door. And so the Pick of Destiny was claimed back.

Chapter Seven: The Victory

With the Pick of Destiny, Tenacious D marched to the Man. With the power of the Pick they made the hot secretary wanting and moist and in that state of mind she was easy to get around. When they got to the Man’s office they found out that the Satan was the Man. With the power from the Pick they challenged the might demon to a rock off. Satan’s attempts were powerful, but not genuine enough with the entire club shit he did. The Pick gave the power to defeat the Satan and they played a Tribute to the greatest song in the world, they had just played for the shiny demon on the road. With this song and its confusing and hypnotizing lyrics they confused the Satan enough to force him to hell with an ancient and powerful spell: “From once you came, you shall remain, until you are complete again!” And as they did this Satan’s horn fell off, as a payment to the Metal for breaking the original spell of the wizard. The lyrics they used to defeat the Satan, also known as the Lyrics of the Great Victory, were: “Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see: one and one make two, two and one make three, it was destiny!” and before they started, they gathered all their courage and used each others to support themselves by saying: “We’ve been through so much shit. Deactivated lasers with my dick and now it’s time to blow this fucker down!” Tenacious D will always be remembered as the band the liberated the world from shitty music and stuck it to the man. And we will live following their teachings.

Stick it to the Man!