An Epic Conclusion

So this is the last piece of my three piece concept, which includes the stories In the Diner and The Open Door.
This piece is called Pitchforks and Haunted Souls and it is also revised the magnificent Brooke Rojas, thanks to her again.
So here it is, the epic conclusion that will comlete the picture, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

A Stories from the Mute story Pitchforks and Haunted Souls

Written by Wille Holopainen

Revised by Brooke Rojas 

                      June 18^th, 1626, that’s the day I was drowned, burned and hung. It was a rather interesting and beautiful day. The birds were singing and rain was falling down to the ground from somewhere in heaven, although I don’t believe in heaven. Well, I wouldn’t know since I’m bound to haunt evil people until the world ends, if it ever does. But yes, back to June 18^th.

                      It started when I moved to the town of something in northern England. It was small town where everyone knew each other. Mrs. Hatchet made the best pies in all of England, but the beer was the worst in the world. Anyways, I was the new lad from Scotland and I really didn’t fit in, because these people couldn’t understand half of what I was saying. Another thing was that I wasn’t religious. I never believed in that humbug they wrote in the bible. It’s completely bollocks. But I went to the church every Sunday, because if I weren’t there I would have gotten burned as a witch. That’s pretty ironic, because I got burned anyways.

                      Well I went to church every Sunday, but I never sang. I couldn’t sing when I was alive and I can’t sing now and I never liked singing, especially those hideous religious songs. I just hate them. Well, then some people noticed and the word spread around the whole town and I got casted out. I don’t understand why they made it such a big deal. I wasn’t like the women in Mexico who hopped in bed with eachother. It wasn’t really pleasant, because I couldn’t buy food or go for ale with other lads. It was bollocks, absolutely bollocks. And it got worse.

                      It took them one night, one night to decide what was me destiny. They decided that I’m afflicted by the curse. I couldn’t do anything but let the rain fall down. The birds were singing, but not for me. No, they don’t sing when you’re six feet underground.

                      They took me to the lake and tried to drown me. I would have drowned but the priest pulled me up every time so it seemed that I wouldn’t drown. He was a bastard child of a bastard mother. He enjoyed burning people. Apparently I was the 21^st to be burned.

                      After the drowning ceremony they marched me down to the center of town. They had their pitchforks and they we’re waving them high in the air. I could already smell the burning hey and wood. I could feel the warmth from the flames. They ripped my shirt and whipped me all over. I tried to fight, but I couldn’t fight eight strong men who were holding my limbs as if they were big sausages. Whipping stopped when someone announced that the judge is coming. They covered my wounds with a sack so the judge wouldn’t know what was going on. Then they chained me and put a blindfold over my eyes so the judge wouldn’t catch my stare. If he did he would have seen the innocence in my eyes. They started to push me towards the flames and shouting at me. One lad was pushing harder than the others and shouting to my ear that I shouldn’t resist. I told him not to get his bollocks in a twist. Did he really think I could resist. Like I had a chance to.

                      When I reached the flames they took the blindfold off. Then I looked to the sky and shouted: “Tell me! Tell me why do they all get to live and I have to die!” Then the first flame started licking my skin. Then another one joined and another and so on. The flames got hungrier as the people of the town fed them with hey and air. In a few moments the flames were eating off my skin, going towards my bones. My hair was gone, my skin was gone, but my eyes were not. They could see everything. They saw the women and children look away, they saw the cheering men, they saw the judge’s face that had a small evil smile on it, and they saw the angels. The angels were singing. They told to let it shine. They dried the teardrops from my eyes. Then it was all over. My soul flew away from my body and stayed to observe.

                      When they noticed I was dead they took me down and hung me to make sure I was dead, but the witch they never found. And I can’t take an eye for an eye, so I will haunt them until they die. And when they die I haunt their children and when they die I haunt their children and I will haunt their whole family until the world ends.

                      So that is my story so far. At the moment I’m haunting the sixth generation so far. I could only pick one person to haunt. I picked the priest. Now his descendant suffers. This young lad is having a very romantic relationship with a girl named Veronika. I will make him suffer more than I suffered. I will make him suffer through Veronika’s agony. He will be in pain.

                      All I need to do is to plant some very nasty thoughts into his mind to upset the girl. And then I make the girl feel miserable. When she feels miserable and upset I will plant an idea of death to her mind. It’s easy because madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.

Not for sensitive people and definetely not for those who love sheep.

Yeah, the title pretty much tells it.
AND YES I KNOW! Two posts in two days, boo hoo whores, do you see me giving a shit?
I keed, I love ya'll!
Now enjoy another Stories from the Mute production: Bill and Joe!

Bill & Joe

                      Mud. Water and dirt mixed together. It smells like someone had mixed sea and earth. A man walks on the beach. He steps into the mud, but he doesn’t react. The man is called Bill. Bill is an average man from Liverpool. He likes football, pub meals and beer, but now he is in Cuba on a beach. He is smoking cigar, which smells like vanilla. Bill knows that smoking is bad so he throws the cigar away. It cost £100, by the way. Bill is a man of principle. Bill is a good man although he killed his wife. Bill did it because he went bananas. He is supposed to be on a funny farm, but he is smart so he got away. He is crazy at the same time. Funny.

                      Another man walks on the beach. He is an environmental activist and just five minutes ago a sheep ate his hand. Ironic, isn’t it? The activist is called Joe and he is about to bleed to death. He asks Bill to help him. Bill comes closer and sits into the sand. Joe sits also, crying because of the pain. Bill enjoys seeing Joe bleeding. Joe doesn’t. Joe tries to leave, but Bill smacks him and he won’t leave. After a while Bill throws Joes body to ocean, laughing like a dad laughs when he sees his son learning to ride a bike.

                      This was one of Bill’s not-so-man-of-principle-moments, but it happens even to the best of us. Bill calmly starts to walk back to the hotel. On the way back he encounters a sheep. The sheep has two fingers coming from its mouth. Pretty weird, huh? Bill, as a wise man, realizes that those must be Joe’s fingers. Bill hits the sheep between its eyes, which makes this magnificent and noble animal open its mouth and drop the fingers. Bill picks up the fingers and slips them into his pocket. Then he takes a look at the animal. He thinks it is need of pleasure, so he walks to it and opens his belt. You can all guess what he does next. Bill is shouting to the sheep: “Call me Tim you dirty bitch!” The sheep is screaming too, but for different reasons than Bill, or Tim, as he likes to be called in this situation. After Bill/Tim was done with the sheep he just walked away. He walked back to the hotel, looking only forward. He never looked back. Never.

                      When Bill got back to his hotel room number 3871, he took the bible out of the drawer, looked for Ezekiel 25:17 and read it out loud. After this he prayed. He prayed for forgiveness, he prayed for strength to resist his temptations to kill, to slaughter, to torture and to mutilate, he prayed for getting his sanity back, although he never had it. He waited for a while and since he still felt insane he prayed again. His prayer went something like this: “You dick squeezer up there in heaven, our heavenly sadistic bastard, why on fucking earth do you promise eternal life and forgiveness to those who genuinely ask for it and believe in you bull shit powers. You ought to suck my balls, you motherless, dick licking, bullshitting, dickless, butt riding, motherfucker! All good that the religious brainless pot heads tell me you can do is complete bull shit. You don’t have any powers, you are just useless piece of shit. Fuck you, you probably don’t even exist, so why the fuck am I talking to myself?” Pretty good, eh?

                      Now that we know Bill’s religious view, we partly understand why killing isn’t such a problem to him. See, when Bill starts to have feelings, they usually are not love, sympathy, empathy, friendship or any kind of nice, warm or positive feelings. They are hatred, insanity and other fuzzy feelings that make your body tinkle. They way Bill sees things is different from ours. Where we see an opportunity to help, he sees an opportunity to shed blood. Where we see love that makes us go: “Awwww!” he sees disgusting feelings that make him go: “KILL!” And that, my friends, is usually what happens. Bill is a cruel man, we cannot deny it, yet he is very smart, wise and calculating, which makes him a very cold person when these qualities are combined with his strangely strong will to see suffering, blood and death. Bill is a very interesting personality and we should all learn from him.

To read more of Bill’s wild adventures and to learn more about this brilliantly beautiful creature, stay tuned.

P.s. This text is dedicated to a great man who loves sheep and is a beloved friend; Mr. Tim Anderson.

THE METAL!

Wassup bitchees!?!?!
Ok, I didn't really mean it :D

Well today's post violates many many many copyright laws and shit, but frankly I don't give a shit. It's really not that bad :D
This little piece of (shit) text is a Tribute to The Metal and the greatest song in the world. If you are smart enough, you see where this is going... so here it is: The Metal!

The Metal

In the ancient time, there was a man who knew the road and the writing was written on a stone. The writing told that there shall be an artist who will lead the way. Actually a band, but I think the words got lost in the translation. In the beginning of the era of the Metal, which dates back to the dark ages where a powerful wizard summoned the strongest demon, the Satan himself, a magical pick was created. The wizard could not control the mighty beast and he was almost destroyed. A blacksmith heard the noise of their battle and saved the wizard by throwing a piece of metal at Satan’s face. Whilst the Satan was confused and hurt, missing a tooth, the wizard put him under a spell: “From once you came, you shall remain, until you are complete again!” And so the Satan was defeated. The wizard thanked the blacksmith by making a magical pick from Satan’s tooth. The person using the pick could play only the best metal melodies and make any woman wanting and moist. Ever since the pick was created it has come to rescue the Metal when it has been in danger. And every time the pick has been used, Satan has come to try and get what was his. This is a story of the band leading the way to the new golden time of the Metal; this is the story of Tenacious D.

Chapter One: Kickapoo

A long ass fucking time ago in a town called Kickapoo, which is a small religious town in Tennessee, there lived a humble family. But there was a black sheep. JB was his name. He refused to step in line and he had a vision of fucking rocking all the time. One day he wrote a jam and that day shall be remembered as the first day of the Metal’s liberation from club music. At the time club music was a big thing and Metal was barely surviving. JB’s jam was recorded on a c-cassette and the lyrics are known to every true rocker: “Oh the dragon’s balls were blazing as I stepped into his cave and I sliced his fucking cockles with a long and shiny blade. Through his eyes you fuck the dragon, fuck-a-lising, fuck-a-loo and if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you too!” the lyrics go on to be unrecognizable mix of JB’s singing and his fathers all caps raging. Our holy book, the book that contains the truth of our governments, the book that is known as the Book of Metal, tells that JB talked to his holiness, Ronnie James Dio at the Night of the Jam and he hath told him to bail his birth town and travel to the city of fallen angels, where the ocean meets the sand. He would form a strong alliance and the world’s most awesome band. And this happened.

Chapter Two: Venice Beach

Years after the magical night in Kickapoo, Jables finally arrived to Los Angeles, the city of fallen angels, after travelling far and wide to find the secrets of his art. After all these years, the pick was calling for his new masters, because it knew they would be ready to raise the Metal back to where it belongs: on top of everything with hot chicks around it ready to blow. The pick lead JB, although he didn’t know it then. Only later he would find out the true powers of the pick.

The pick lead him to the holy ground of Venice Beach, where the pick had also brought the master exploder, the greatest guitar hero of all times, Kyle Gass, also known to our society as KG Solo Man 5000 or just KG. Their eyes met as KG was playing on of his best-known masterpieces: Classico; a song combining the stars of classical music with fucking awesome power chords. Only problem was that it had no lyrics, since KG was not much of a singer. Alone these two artist would never be nothing but fat losers with big dreams of musical career, but as the pick arranged them to be together, they were invincible. At least when the pick’s plan was fulfilled, until then they sucked ass. As KG was playing, JB joined in with his improvised lyrics mocking the crowd that was leaving. This event gave birth to their first disciple: Saint Lee. Lee was a pizza delivery guy and driving instructor. Pretty smart, huh?

As Lee heard the magical notes and powerful lyrics he knew that he had testified the birth of the greatest band ever. And so did JB and KG. KG let JB live with him and as they showered together like real men, they noticed each other’s ass marks. These marks formed the name of the greatest band ever. These marks said “Tenac” and “Anacious D” and as their asses touched together they knew that their band would be called Tenacious D. If you were around the rock and roll history museum at the moment of the impact you could see a green flash in the guitar gods room at the top of the guitar way to heaven. And so the savior of Metal had born.

Chapter Three: The History of the Pick

Before the time of the Pick and the era of the Metal, there was The Man. The Man still exists, but it cannot win the Metal, because Metal will always be too powerful with the assistance of the Pick. The Man ruled everything that was going on in the world. The Man ruined the ozone, the Man killed the Amazon and the Man created bad music. There was a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock and roll, but guess what? The Man ruined it with a little thing called The MTV! Luckily the wizard was sick of the Man’s dictatorship and he summoned the Satan to destroy him, since God was too busy.

Many musical styles have tried to destroy the Metal, but they have all failed. You cannot kill the Metal. The Metal will live on. You can bash it and throw it around at times, you can make it very small, but you will never kill the Metal. New way tried to kill the metal, but they failed as they were stricken down to the ground! They thought they could come with their new ways and different sounds and weird nonsense lyrics and take over the Metal. But no, they failed. Next the Man sent grunge. Grunge tried to kill the Metal, but they failed as they were thrown to the ground. Those ridiculous fools…

Next the Man did a very dirty trick: he sent punk rock on earth and people who weren’t careful enough got confused with it. Punk tried to kill the metal, but they failed as they were smite to the ground.

No one can destroy the Metal, the Metal will strike you down with a vicious blow. We are vanquished foes the metal and we try to win. For why, we do not know.

The Man got desperate and tried one last thing before it went underground for decades. He sent techno. Techno tried to defile the Metal, but the Metal had its way. Metal seemed to be invincible and no one tried to cross it again until the Man got stronger. In his cave, the Man grew stronger and more dangerous than ever. As his first act after he got back on the ground of the earth, he sent pop and club music. These two mass murderers of souls harvested most of earth’s souls, but luckily few stayed strong and resisted the evil power of the Man. They did it because they were true believers and the knew the Pick of Destiny would save them. And so we are at the present time, where JB and KG are getting ready for the greatest battle of music the earth has ever seen.

Chapter Four: The Training

One night, after smoking weed and listening to Black Sabbath, Dio talked to JB and KG again. He told them that the time of the conclusion of their training had come. He told them to learn two things and then they would be ready for the Pick. Their assignment was to learn the power slide and cock pushups.

Their training started the next day, at the crack of noon. After watching Pete Townshend perform the power slide they stared to train it. It looked amazing…. ly bad at first but after several thousands of repeats it looked awesome. Next they started to build up their cocks                      and after seven weeks of training they could each perform seven cock pushups. Now they were ready for the pick.

Chapter Five: The Pick of Destiny

As The D was writing their masterpiece, they came across a freighting monster, an ancient and deadly creature: writer’s block. They seek a way around the monster by trying to get inspired with musical magazines. At this moment the Pick of Destiny decided to appear to them. They noticed that all the great rockers had used exactly the same pick. These rockers were the four saviors of the Metal: Eddy van Halen, Pete Townshend, Jimi Hendrix and the last man who used the POD before Tenacious D received it: Angus Young.

The D ran into the closest instrument shop to look for this pick, but as they were asking about it they met a man who knew all about the Pick of Destiny, Salvatore Papardello. He explained them everything he knew about the Pick. He also told that it now lied in the rock and roll history museum. At the moment he lead the words out of his mouth Jables and Kage knew what to do. They would steal the pick. Before they left, Papardello also explained the present struggle with club music and pop. The D knew they had to hurry in order to save the Metal. And so they did.

Chapter Six: The Journey and the Claim of the Pick

Jabels and Kage started their journey to claim the Pick from rock and roll history museum by taking the car of Lee. After getting the car with lies as the Book of the Metal requires they started to drive to Sacramento. On the way the car broke down and now I am quote the holy diary of JB for you to understand exactly what happened. “Me and my brother Kyle, we were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road and all of a sudden there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road. And he said: ‘Play the best song in the world or I’ll eat your souls’. Well me and Kyle, we looked at each others and we’d said: ‘Ok’. And we played the first thing that came to our heads, just so it happened to be the best song in the world. Needless to say, the beast was stunned. Whip-crack went his whippet tail, and the beast was done. He asked: ‘Be you angels’ and we said: ‘Nay! We are but men! ROCK!’”

And so they defeated the demon from hell and got to the museum. They broke in with a plan they got from an old man who hath broken in before, but lost his leg at the last meters.

After diving into an air vent they dropped to the floor of the museum, but in the wrong room. So they started to move towards the guitar gods. On the way they had to avoid guards and janitors. Finally they got to the end of the Guitar Way to Heaven. As they walked up the stairs they could feel the presence of the POD. Just as they saw it and were ready to run to it Jabels saw the lasers.  He stopped KG and started to dance through the beams. He did well until he got trapped into a corner. In the corner, right in front of his dick, there was a kill switch for the lasers, but he could not reach it. KG came up with the solution and he said: “Cock. Use the cock.” And so JB did. With the power from his training he told his helmet head to get it on and so happened that his dick reached the button and they could get to the Pick.

As they were reaching for the Pick, they pushed over few amps and with the Pick in their hand they ran to the security door that was closing in front of them and away from the guards who were shooting them unprofessionally. Jabels looked at Kage and shouted: “Powerslide!” and so they slid. Under the door they went, just so that the guards were left behind the door. And so the Pick of Destiny was claimed back.

Chapter Seven: The Victory

With the Pick of Destiny, Tenacious D marched to the Man. With the power of the Pick they made the hot secretary wanting and moist and in that state of mind she was easy to get around. When they got to the Man’s office they found out that the Satan was the Man. With the power from the Pick they challenged the might demon to a rock off. Satan’s attempts were powerful, but not genuine enough with the entire club shit he did. The Pick gave the power to defeat the Satan and they played a Tribute to the greatest song in the world, they had just played for the shiny demon on the road. With this song and its confusing and hypnotizing lyrics they confused the Satan enough to force him to hell with an ancient and powerful spell: “From once you came, you shall remain, until you are complete again!” And as they did this Satan’s horn fell off, as a payment to the Metal for breaking the original spell of the wizard. The lyrics they used to defeat the Satan, also known as the Lyrics of the Great Victory, were: “Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see: one and one make two, two and one make three, it was destiny!” and before they started, they gathered all their courage and used each others to support themselves by saying: “We’ve been through so much shit. Deactivated lasers with my dick and now it’s time to blow this fucker down!” Tenacious D will always be remembered as the band the liberated the world from shitty music and stuck it to the man. And we will live following their teachings.

Stick it to the Man!